“I was not the same before. It’s very clear in my mind that when I was 12 years old I really liked girls, because at night I used to dream about all the girls of my school. Then, when I was 13 or 14, it switched. I couldn’t accept it, it was very hard. I thought maybe I have to wait a year and I will change. I was thinking that I’m abnormal. My body is that of boy so it’s better if I like women.
I don’t know why my feelings are different. When I see girls, I don’t feel anything. I can’t force myself to like them. But I’m still waiting, because maybe it will change. It’s my dream. The original feeling when I was 12 years old was: I like women. So, I’m thinking that this is me. But I don’t know where that feeling is now. I’m 35 and nothing has changed. Maybe I should just follow the flow of the river, and whatever comes, comes.
When I arrived in Geneva a few years ago, I thought: I have to find someone. I wanted to have someone to travel together, talk together, love together, cook, sleep together (laughs)! I met him on the internet. It was my first time with a man, first kiss, first everything (laughs)! It was… marvellous… ohlala! It was the first time I felt that feeling of love for someone. People dream about heaven, maybe it’s the same feeling when you’re in love. You are happy every day. It lasted 3 years, but it wasn’t a relationship out in the open. After one year he told me he was married to a woman. That’s why he could only see me after he finished work and why we couldn’t go out together. It ended two years ago and I still miss him.
When you brake up, it’s a catastrophe! What makes you happy, makes you sad also. Sometimes I feel the world is so unfair. Some people find their love, but I cannot find mine. Why is it like that? If others find, I should find also (laughs)! I’m still hiding myself now. None of my friends or family know. But maybe if I meet someone and I love that person so much, then I won’t be afraid to show.”
(Parc des Bastions)