“I have a need to change things regularly. It’s like an itch, a need to drop everything I have. It happens about every 1 year and a half, usually when there’s an initial change. When I finished my master’s for example, or when I found a new job, I needed to change everything else too. In the span of 1 or 2 weeks I changes my hobbies, the people I see… And my boyfriend also. My friends I keep them because I don’t have so many (laughs)!

After I let go, I feel… light, free. And also very bad, because I need to leave people and I know it hurts them. Especially my boyfriends. I usually get carried away very fast in the beginning, and then I get detached very fast also. But I feel bad for them and I feel guilty. It’s hard… Yesterday night I recovered my laptop from a boy I left in June. We spoke for 2 hours. It wasn’t fun… I kind of feel like a monster. There isn’t any good way to leave someone, but I had tried to tell him as kindly as possible. It’s a pity because the intensity of the beginnings are so fun (laughs)! But the ends…  Not fun at all…

It isn’t a very healthy pattern (laughs)! And it took me a while to realize it. When I was 16 my parents separated. My mother had a breakdown, and I told myself : I will never be depressed because of a guy. So, I was never sad because of a guy. It probably comes from here that I leave them so fast. A commitment issue. I probably put up enough big barriers, because I’ve never been in love. I stay in control, and there’s no risk. You see, it’s a risk to fall in love! And is it really worth it ? I don’t know…

I’m trying to get out of this pattern now. I didn’t use to see it as an issue, because I was fine with it. But now I’m slowly reaching 30 years old, and I’m thinking this isn’t sustainable long term. It’s difficult to build something if I drop everything after 1 year and a half… I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but introspection isn’t easy!”

(Promenade Saint-Antoine, Vieille ville | translated from French)