“I had a Turkish education, and I grew up in Europe. It was always complicated, I had a lot of restrictions. In the oriental culture family is very important, and there are many subjects that are quite taboo. I haven’t seen my family in Turkey for one or two years. My parents don’t want me to see them because I lost a lot of weight and they don’t want them to worry. It isn’t a good image to be unhappy.
It’s complicated to be a Turkish woman, I have the feeling we always have to protect ourselves. It’s a continuous battle. Everything is based so much on physical appearance. I grew up with a father who told me that I will be able to succeed just because I’m pretty, that it was an advantage for me. Which is so not true.
It started when I was 13 years old. It started with anorexia, I completely stopped to eat. Then I went through bulimia. In stressful situations, sadness, the first thing that comes to my mind is to go eat. It’s an addiction, it’s like a drug. And unfortunately, it creates this relation with anything in your life. It means that you take everything in, and then you take everything out. You take en masse. Even when you’re having fun, doing whatever, you’re here, you take everything, and then the next day it’s like everything came out. You take everything en masse. I don’t know how to explain it.
Now things are better, but I’ve been fighting this for 6 years and it’s quite complicated. Anorexia and bulimia, it makes people dependent, and it’s something that stops you from growing. It’s something that makes you younger all the time. It’s a bit this fear of having to take on responsibilities. It isn’t something that you do consciously, but this is what’s happening in your head. But if someone hadn’t told me I would never have discovered it by myself. It makes sense because the fact of not really wanting to have the body of a woman, it’s completely tied to this. It’s a bit this fear of becoming a woman.
I would like to fill this emptiness in me instead of feeding it with drugs, alcohol and food. That’s what I’d like the most. It’s feasible, it’s just that it’s scary. These are habits that you take, it’s what I’m used to, I don’t know anything else.”
(Jardin Anglais | translated from French)